I'm not a good blogger

Hello world,

I'm not a very good blogger, I have all the intentions but not the spare time or motivation.

I have my operation on Monday to remove my Gall Bladder, I am so pleased at the thought of being pain free but anxious at the same time. I don't think I've got a good handle on my thoughts or emotions at the moment. I'm acting a little bizarrely too. My moods and emotions run pretty much on an even keel, if I was a Seismograph there wouldn't be very much movement, at the moment there are little currents and undulations going on. I'm worried in case anything goes wrong, have I done a good enough job for my son to be a happy, successful adult, will Ashley be able to cope without me. All these silly little worries, when I was younger I used to think about longevity a lot as my family tend to have such short lives, now i have an illness which I consider to be an older person's it bothers me. I want to live a long life and to do this I need to take much better care of myself.

I am on a downer about my creative life too, I rarely stick my neck out of my shell to create opportunities for myself and when I do I get knocked back. I used to think that I was talented but now I think I need to start again from scratch. I feel that I want success with my art but then are too afraid or nervous to reach out and make it happen. I worry about security, having a safe home environment has always been paramount and I feel that creating that for the kids is more important than my own ambition. The kids will leave home and become adults soon so will that be my time then. I dont want to live and work so all I've got to look forward to is the next holiday. That's not a life for me.

I used to feel that I was meant to be here, that I had a purpose, that I was going to achieve something remarkable. I have done that as a mother but not in other area's of my life. That makes me feel sad, as I'm middle aged, full time mum, housewife, worker, pet owner. Am I whiling away the days, months, years.

On a lighter note I've just read a marvellous book, 'Her Fearful Symmetry' by Audrey Niffenegger. It is a brilliant, witty ghost story. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I'm reading Iain Banks, 'Transition' now. Today is a quiet day, its cold and grey. I'm planning my low fat diet for after my op, and maybe that event will be the start of another new phase of my life, being pain free will be wonderful.

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